Dog Diary versus Cat Diary...

I have no idea where this originated, but it's been circulating the internet for years. I added a few of my own embellishments...

From a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Breakfast! My favorite thing!
9:00 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
9:50 am - Sniffed a dog's butt! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

11:00 am - Took a giant poop the size of my head! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm: Squeaked my stuffed bear for 20 minutes straight! My favorite thing!
12:20 pm - Ripped the squeaker from my stuffed bear! My favorite thing!
12:25 pm: Popped the eyeballs off of my stuffed bear. My favorite thing!
12:35 pm: Pulled the stuffing from my stuffed bear! My favorite thing!
2:30 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
4:30 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
9:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. The dog promptly eats it. 


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I will try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.


I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.


The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..