The Wizard World Comic-Con is decadent and depraved...

Time to take a deep breath and get something off my chest. I am a huge nerd. It feels better to type the words. I have spent the last decade and a half channeling my nerdiness in scholastic pursuits instead of the good old-fashioned comic/rpg/cheesy horror movie variety. Fuck normalcy, I need to go back to my people, my roots. I started to get back in touch a couple weeks ago at the Renaissance Fair, but that doesn't really touch too close to home. I need some real, acid flashback style nerd shit to sink my teeth into. How I ended up at the Donald E. Stephenson Convention Center today, I'm not really sure, though perhaps a jog down memory lane will shine some light.

Like any small boy, I loved me some cartoons and toys. He-Man, Transformers, GI Joes, Battle Beasts- these were the things dreams were made of. Like all dreams, they came to an end, though this one is somewhat more lucid. As elementary school came to a close, I became painfully aware of one thing: playing with toys and watching cartoons isn't cool, and they will do me no favors in meeting girls. Little did I know that the problem with meeting girls had far more to do with things like actually talking to them, but hey, you've got to start somewhere, and it seemed a reasonable enough place. Nevermind the fact that I still participated in boy scouts, and was simply transitioning to harder drugs, namely Warhammer 40,000 and Magic: The Gathering. Did I mention comic books? Yeah throw them in the mix and you have yourself quite the 12 year old ladykiller. It's a fucking miracle that I didn't get mixed up in Battletech, Shadowrun, and Dungeons and Dragons. I really think that it was only an issue of time and money that stopped me where I did. Besides, D&D is for nerds, am I right?

After another 4 or 5 years of feeding these habits, I came to the stark realization that these weren't helping my situation either. Unfortunately, I still hadn't figured out that being cool is fucking stupid, and that there actually are nerd chicks that like this shit. I just needed to crawl out of the basement and find them. The short story is that I have turned my back on these things for the past 15 or so years, half of my life to this point. When the opportunity presented itself to go to the convention, it seemed innocent enough fun, a nice nostalgia trip. But things ain't like they used to be...

My first impression on arriving was that there weren't nearly enough people in crazy costumes. I thought that people watching was half the fun! As it turned out, people watching was still the main attraction, though not as I anticipated. The first section we hit was the celebrity autograph section. To be fair, the term celebrity is being used fairly loosely, as 90% you wouldn't notice on the street at the peak of their success. That is until we made it to the Evil Dead section, and there sat the man, the myth, the legend: Bruce motherfuckin' Campbell. I have never been starstruck before, but that man is a force. I failed to mention that amongst the last of my transitional forms of nerdhood involved watching the shittiest forms of horror movies after the half-time of each West High football games (we would invariably be getting stomped). Evil Dead had been calling for a while, and when we finally popped it in the VCR, it was life-changing. Needless to say, Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness were on tap for the following 2 weeks, and the rest is history. Anyhoo, the main attraction today was a Q&A session with the entire cast of the first film, and the entire 45 minutes was a laugh riot. I even got to ask the almighty Bruce a question (and fucked up by the way, confusing the opening scene of Evil Dead II with the end of the first movie. I need to cut a corner off my nerd card).

The point that I lost track of: the people watching. It is more of a pseudo-celebrity petting zoo. Watch Tia Carrera look bored out of her mind and text some random person! Pity Ed Furlong as he looks bedragled as he crawls out of a sewer after shooting some smack (allegedly)! Marvel at the poor state of the Million Dollar Man! Watch a full-grown Augustus Gloop eat Jimmy Johns in a funny looking jacket that looks three sizes too small! This side-show alone is worth the price of admission. These poor has-beens sit around looking for any poor soul to drop $25 for a picture and an autograph, and our hero Bruce Campbell has a line going around the block just to bask in his warmth.

Then there's the rest, namely the product and artist booths. Let me start by saying one thing. This entire debacle seems like it was pulled directly from the ID of my 12 year old self. Toys that I forgot I had are selling for $200. Countless retailers are selling professionally graded copies of Amazing Fantasy #15. Back issues of Playboy from the 1990's are selling for under $10 (maybe I'm starting to wax a little TOO nostalgic...). Which brings me to my next point: there is a disturbingly large quantity of porn at this place. Believe me, in most other contexts this is totally fine, but this is supposed to be a flashback to my awkward teen years, but this is a detail that could be left out. Anyone who knows me probably is aware that I'm anything but a bible thumper, but I kid you not that they set up a 3-D boobie magazine booth directly adjacent to a Christian comic book seller (complete with innocent children appropriately looking weirded out). It couldn't even be avoided when sifting through bootleg obscure horror movie DVD's (though I guess this shouldn't be too much of a shocker). It took about 10 seconds of walking through the artist booths as to why this is the case. There are TONS of pervy fan pictures of comic chicks in various positions that range from mildy titilating to  somewhat disturbing. I have seen the heart of the average comic book fan, and there are a lot of strange things floating around in these people's heads. To think that if I kept up that I might be one of them.

Still, I'll probably go back next year...

*** Best Headline of 2011 ***

http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20110113/NEWS010702/101140340/2nd-trial-in-meatball-sandwich-deaths 

Top 10 Weird, Funny Books for Sale

10. 

Summer With the Leprechauns: A True Story
Tanis Helliwell

Synopisis: Ten years ago, Tanis Helliwell, a corporate consultant, spent a summer in Ireland where she was befriended by a Leprechaun. With charming style and humor, she recounts the development of her delightful relationship with this fascinating fellow, as well as revealing the Leprechaun's instructions on how humans can interact with elemental beings.

9. 

The Amateur Taxidermist
Jean Labrie

Description: 

This unique, step-by-step illustrated primer will be extremely useful to anyone-sportsman, Naturalist or hobbyist- who wishes to immortalize his choice examples.Some 140 clear photographs.

8. 

Teach Your Wife to Be a Widow

Donald Rogers

7. 

Do-It-Yourself Coffins: For Pets and People
Dale Power
Synopsis:

Dale Power buries himself in a new art form-the manufacture of special boxes for pets and people. Here's one project you won't want to put off `till tomorrow. All of the tools and techniques needed to produce strong and beautiful coffins are presented here in clear, concise language. Color photographs illustrate every step. Detailed patterns are provided; techniques, trims and finishes are also covered.


6.

How Green Were the Nazis? 
Dana Miller

5. 

Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition: English Sea Rovers in the Seventeenth-Century Caribbean 

B.R. Burg 

Description: In Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition, historian B. R. Burg investigates the social and sexual world of these sea rovers, a tightly bound brotherhood of men engaged in almost constant warfare. What, he asks, did these men, often on the high seas for years at a time, do for sexual fulfillment? Buccaneer sexuality differed widely from that of other all- male institutions such as prisons, for it existed not within a regimented structure of rule, regulations, and oppressive supervision, but instead operated in a society in which widespread toleration of homosexuality was the norm and conditions encouraged its practice.In his new introduction, Burg discusses the initial response to the book when it was published in 1983 and how our perspectives on all-male societies have since changed.

4. 

Make Your Own Sex Toys 
Matt Pagett

3. 

50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a Manly Manner
B. Koz







2.

The Beverly Hillbillies Bible Study 
Stephen Skelton
Description: Focuses on a comical clash between morality and materalism. This hilarious study highlights a simple family in a world obsessed with money who stay true to their humble roots and values.

1. 

The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
Alisa Surkis, Monica Nolan

Synopsis:

Surkis and Nolan unerringly capture the flavor of the lurid pulp novels of the '40s, '50s, and '60s in eight ribald original novellas that explore the unbridled pleasures of women who love women--and the horses they ride.

Click here to see more weird, funny books for sale on Abebooks

Dog Diary versus Cat Diary...

I have no idea where this originated, but it's been circulating the internet for years. I added a few of my own embellishments...

From a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Breakfast! My favorite thing!
9:00 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
9:50 am - Sniffed a dog's butt! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

11:00 am - Took a giant poop the size of my head! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm: Squeaked my stuffed bear for 20 minutes straight! My favorite thing!
12:20 pm - Ripped the squeaker from my stuffed bear! My favorite thing!
12:25 pm: Popped the eyeballs off of my stuffed bear. My favorite thing!
12:35 pm: Pulled the stuffing from my stuffed bear! My favorite thing!
2:30 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
4:30 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
9:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. The dog promptly eats it. 


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I will try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.


I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.


The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..

Click here to see more fake fliers.

True Story - One time I had to poop...

One time I had to poop in a public bathroom.

It was before an audition and there was only one bathroom with one toilet. A one-roomed bathroom. Outside a line of people waited for me to finish pooping so they could perhaps poop, too.

I pooped in the toilet.
I flushed the toilet.
The poop did not flush.
I flushed again.
Still it did not flush.

I stared at it for a while. It turned and spun. I thought hard. If I left my poop in the toilet - everyone would know it was me. And then I would have to audition with them, and look them in the eye and try and pretend that they had not just seen my poop floating in the toilet.

Leaving my poop in the toilet was not an option.

Oh, sure I could lie to the line of people waiting for me and pretend it was the person before me who had left the poop, but I am a horrible liar, and honestly, the thought did not occur to me.

Tick, tick, tick - the line of people waiting to use the bathroom grew restless.

I grabbed a wad of paper towels and stuck my hand in the murky toilet water, cupping my poop. Thankfully, it was a healthy, sturdy poop. Not too big. Not too small - and not at all watery. Solid stuff. And not at all smelly.

I dropped it in the garbage can, and attempted to bury it under a load of paper towels.

Satisfied, I swung open the bathroom door and gave the most innocent "I did not just dig my poop out of a public toilet and throw it in a garbage can" grin I could muster at the line of people awaiting me. You know the look I'm talking about about.

Needless to say, I did not get the part.

Customer Complaint Letter to Continental Airlines

Woes of seat 29E
As verified by Snopes.com ...
http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/seat29e.asp

Courtney Wilcox - a Continental spokesperson responds to the letter: "The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."

Transcript
12-21-04
FH#888/500 → HOUSTON
SEAT #29E

RECEIVED
APR 13 2005
CUSTOMER CARE

Dear Continental Airlines,

I am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat 29E on one of your aircrafts. As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left am and touch the door.

All my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It's difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is? Is it the stench of the sanitation fluid that's blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the wooosh of the constant flushing? Or is it the passengers asses that seem to fit into my personal space like a pornographic jig-saw puzzel?

I constructed a stink-shield by shoving one end of a blanket into the overhead compartment — while effective in blocking at least some of the smell, and offering a small bit of privacy, the ass-on-my-body factor has increased, as without my evil glare, passengers feel free to lean up against what they think is some kind of blanketed wall. The next ass that touches my shoulder will be the last!

I am picturing a board room, full of executives giving props to the young promising engineer that figured out how to squeeze an additional row of seats onto this plane by putting them next to the LAV.

[Image]

I would like to flush his head in the toilet that I am close enough to touch, and taste, from my seat.

Putting a seat here was a very bad idea. I just heard a man GROAN in there! THIS SUCKS!

[Image]
DEPICTION OF MANS BUTT IN MY FACE

Worse yet, is I've paid over $400.00 for the honor of sitting in this seat!

Does your company give refunds? I'd like to go back where I came from and start over. Seat 29E could only be worse if it was located inside the bathroom.

I wonder if my clothing will retain the sanitizing odor.... what about my hair! I feel like I'm bathing in a toilet bowl of blue liquid, and there is no man in a little boat to save me.

I am filled with a deep hatred for your plane designer and a general dis-ease that may last for hours.

We are finally decending, and soon I will be able to tear down the stink-shield, but the scars will remain.

I suggest that you initiate immediate removal of this seat from all of your crafts. Just remove it, and leave the smouldering brown hole empty, a good place for sturdy/non-absorbing luggage maybe, but not human cargo.